Mad Like Alyce

You SHOULD take care of yourself

In the past few weeks, I have started to notice my control over my triggers slipping. Nothing major, no blowouts. Just that feeling… the one where I feel like I am one step ahead of falling apart. That I have to keep spinning or I will collapse, like a toy top. That I am barely hanging onto the cliff of sanity. I used to feel like this 24/7. The difference this time is that it felt off, that I knew something was wrong. What that is, I couldn’t tell you.

The Signs

What I noticed first was my behavior changing. In the past two weeks, I have been more of a shut in. Instead of going to the gym or getting things done, I curl up in my bed with Mystic. Not reading, not listening to music or watching TV. Just laying there, too paralyzed by anxiety to do anything. And angry at myself because I know I SHOULD be doing something. That there are too many things I SHOULD be doing.

This feeling has left me feeling panicy, out of control. Jumpy, like a scared animal. But this time around, I have tried to employ some different tactics to process what I am feeling. The first was this pressure of all the things I SHOULD be doing. In my counseling, I used this word a lot. How I felt that I SHOULD be able to behave like a NORMAL person. Over time, I have been doing a really good job of letting this go, and perhaps a big portion of what I am struggling with is that I have fallen back into the old habit of holding myself accountable against this impossible list of what I SHOULD do. And, I have realized, this list is crushing me.

Don’t cut your slices too thin

My mom has always told me that I “cut my pie into too many slices.” Or basically, I have so many things going on that I don’t have enough energy to fully devote to each task. Nobody gets a full slice. And when you have chronic pain or PTSD, you really do have to be careful how you spend your energy. It just takes us twice as long to refill that reserve. It all started when I decided to power through a work project In my most recent crash, I knew I would be spending that reserve and that I would have to pay the penalty. The crash ended up being more than I was betting on, and frankly, I think i’m still reeling from the aftereffects. You think I would be onto this by now… lack of total energy = lack of ability to deal with triggers. Yet here I am. Struggling. Feeling like I SHOULD have known better, I SHOULD have protected myself from this. That I have myself to blame.

Now, I know better. It doesn’t keep me from reeling on the physical effects of it, however. The difference is knowing what is happening. A year ago, an episode like this would have left me a mess, terrified, not knowing what the hell was happening to me. Feeling like this is NOT NORMAL. Now I know that what I am experiencing IS normal. Normal for PTSD. Its ok, because even though this moment sucks, these few days suck, maybe even the next week will suck, it will pass. I will be ok. This process IS NORMAL.

And because of this, I decided to say hang all of the crap on my list that I SHOULD do. I am going to take a good hard list of everything I have committed to, and be honest with those I committed that time to. Tell them that I simply cannot do it for a week. For a month. Or ever. Be honest that I overcommitted myself. I need to start slicing my pie in larger pieces, because, lets be real, who doesn’t want the biggest piece of pie? And if it’s my pie… I kind of want to have the biggest slice for myself.

You SHOULD take time for yourself

So yesterday, I decided to take care of myself. I ate a huge bowl of cereal for supper so I wouldn’t have to make anything. I lay in my bed with my neck pillow and heating pad, snuggled Mystic, and binge watched stand up comedy specials until I felt better. I didn’t do a productive thing all night. I left the to do list untouched, the dishes in the sink, and the clothes on the floor. I lay in the bed and talked to my dad on the phone for an hour. And then I went to sleep. It was beautiful. You SHOULD do it too!

Ive actually thought a lot about a friend who recently cashed out a savings fund and quit her job for six months. It just floored me. All I can think about is how I could really make some progress on my life if I could just have a month off. That I could be such a healthier person with a significant chunk of time off. If I could just take some time for me, guilt free! Just think of what I could accomplish! If I could just win the lottery….

But I also know that for almost everyone, myself included, that just simply isn’t an option. What we can do is take a hard look at our lives, and how to make that list healthier for you. So write that list that is weighing you down… its time to prune. When you only have so much energy, you have to make sure that what you are putting on your plate is manageable. Its like a financial budget. Sometimes you might have to dip into your savings, but if  your plate is manageable, you can slowly put that energy back into savings before you need to dip in again. And if you find you are dipping more than you are replacing, its time to cut something from your plate. It might feel like failure at first, but the weight lifting off of your shoulders will more than make up for that feeling and let you allocate those slices of pie to things that make you happy. Like eating pie. Im really hungry right now…

Bake a pie you actually want to eat

You can make a list of everything you have to do. Everything that stresses you out or that is weighing on your mind. Look at what you can do to remove those stressors. Some will be easier, such as you need to clean out the garage. Block off a Saturday and stick to that commitment! It could be that you have a ton of paperwork to deal with. Take an evening to divide it into piles of easy to hard, or things that need immediate attention and those that can be handled next week. Organize chores into a priority list, and tackle them in that order.

For others, it could be far more complicated, such as how you are so frustrated about your weight gain because your job is too stressful (read, two intertwined problems). You could start hunting for a new job. Or you could start smaller. What is causing stress at work? Can you talk to a manager, escalate the situation to someone better equipped to deal with it, offload it to someone else, or work on setting a more realistic schedule? Are there ways to help you better manage the stress, such as breathing techniques, getting away from the office during lunch, or doing yoga, reading, insert enjoyable activity here?

We may not be able to take six months off, but maybe, its time to change our lives so we don’t have to. Personally, with so much of my mind dedicated to staying on top of my triggers… i’m ready to have more energy so that the things I SHOULD do are those that bring me joy and not those that bring me down.

Hello!

Hi! I'm Alyce.
Welcome to my journey towards living a happier and healthier life while living with PTSD and chronic pain... and never letting it keep me from my passion for Halloween, cooking, and way too many DIY projects... all at the same time!

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  • How appropriate that I dressed up as Sally at the haunted house last night, because I was featured as Sally on @liquidcosplay in the same day... Halloween no less! I love love love this costume, and it’s the one that got me started in cosplay and makeup. #halloween #cosplay

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If you've got it, haunt it. Here's @madlikealyce as Sally from The Nightmare Before Christmas. 🎃 Visit her page for more great cosplay!
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#nightmarebeforechristmas #nightmarebeforechristmascosplay #sallyandjack #sallystitches #sallyragdoll #halloween #halloweencosplay #halloween2018 #happyhalloween #EverydayIsHalloween #CreepItReal #repost #cosplay #cosplays #cosplayer #cosplayers #cosplaying #cospositive #cosplaylife #cosplaygirl #cosplaygirls #girlswhocosplay #cosplaybabe #sexycosplay #cutecosplay #womenofcosplay #girlsofcosplay #curvycosplay
  • You would think that I would have done makeup on all of my family at this point, but sadly that is not the case, however, I was thrilled to have the opportunity to do my brother's makeup after the haunt had opened Saturday night! He managed to pull together an incredible maroon clown outfit, and I am really pleased how the makeup looks! I personally like the messier clowns, and it worked well to have brighter pink-ish hues toned down by smudges of black and watering down the paint overall. 
#clown #clownmakeup #hauntlife #hauntedhouse #halloween
  • My first ever zombie for Halloween was a shotgun bride, and although it was a real bridal gown with real shotgun damage, I just used 3 or 4 latex bullet wounds. It was fun, and a great introduction to using prosthetics, but it wasn't really accurate to what I would have had for damage with an actual shotgun wound. So years later, I made up for it by re-creating a more realistic wound of where the shoulder and partial face would have been torn up by the blast. Personally, this is my favorite zombie creation to date! #zombie #zombiemakeup #zombiebride #shotgunbride #zombiecrawl #woundmakeup
  • Ready for my closeup!!! Getting ready for Sioux Falls Zombie Crawl tomorrow!!! #zombie #zombiemakeup #zombiecrawl
  • OK you guys, this is where I love the internet. I created this zombie 2 years ago and had (kind of) forgotten about it until just this week when someone re-created it... and she is on the other side of the globe! Seriously, it made my my entire day/week/month, and reminds me why I love doing this. <3 <3 <3
#zombie #zombiemakeup #zombiecrawl #halloween2018
  • Its GO TIME PEOPLE! T-Minus 7 days to HALLOWEEEEEEEEEEN. Im running on fumes and caffeine, but it is 100% worth it. I love working at the haunted house, and am beyond thrilled about this coming weekend. I still have 2 costumes to finish and 2 zombies to do, plus some donut deliveries (a great fundraiser... friends scared of clowns? Send them donuts a-la-clowns). One more look at this first clown because I was obsessed with this wig from Rockstar wigs... I WILL find a way to use it again in the near future. #hauntlife #hauntedhouse #clowns #halloween2018
  • I had a request to recreate a clown mask as a makeup so it wouldn’t be as hot to wear in the house (swipe to see said mask), and it was quite the learning experience. I made this about a month ago when I was still trying to use the cream paints that the haunt had, though I’ve since decided to buy more of my own water paint to use on my actors. The base here was the basic white clown grease paint, and while I loved the coverage, it felt awful to wear, and it was incredibly difficult to add fine details with cream paint or shadows. So my first and last grease paint clown! 🤡 I still think it’s important to share our failures as well as the successes... this is still far better than what I might have created even just a year ago! #clowns #hauntedhouse #halloween
  • Hey Guys! I've been quiet on Insta so far this October, but its because IM SO BUSY and i'm pretty much in Halloween Heaven. Between finishing my first commissioned costume (its super simple, but I completed foam armor for the first time!!!) and doing makeup at the haunted house, i've hardly had time for sleep... and I wouldn't have it any other way. 
This is one of my first clown practice runs. I tried doing 30 minutes or less, and initially I wasn't planning on posting. Having a few days of the crazed makeup chaos that is getting ready for house open under my belt, I have a new appreciation for what details you can and simply cannot complete in such a short time period, and kind of like the grunge this clown pulled off. Not everything you will create is perfect, but thats how we all learn! #clowns #hauntedhouse #halloweenmakeup #halloween2018
  • I think this barrel look could make a great clown character.... am I going over to the dark side and starting to like clowns?!?! Only time will tell, and there are still 20 days until Halloween! #nightmarebeforechristmas #halloweentown #lockshockandbarrel

@madlikealyce

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