Mad Like Alyce

Maybe Being Oneself is Always an Acquired Taste

I recently ran into this quote from Patricia Hampl.

“Maybe being oneself is always an acquired taste.”

Reading it almost took my breath away, as it so perfectly illustrated something I had been struggling with recently. Actually, struggling with my whole life, and very specifically, today.

My Most Recent Introversion Crash: I.E. Today

I came across the quote in a book on introversion that had been recommended to me by a professional mentor. The book specifically is “The Introvert Advantage: How to thrive in an extrovert world.” If you haven’t guessed, I am very much an introvert. In tests, I often come close to straddling the line, but when it comes down to where I get my energy and what drains it…. I’m an introvert through and through.

Quick update on the last week for me. My company was doing a challenge where you could put together a project, present it, and the winning project received $2,000. To me, it was the perfect amount… after the last three years of having doled out more than $6000 in medical expenses each year and having just under $2K left to go until I am in the clear, I felt this was the perfect timing. Meant to be. And I jumped headfirst into my project. I actually had a blast working on it, and realized that I need to find a way to incorporate more writing or design or something creative into my existing workload. It was the most fun I had had in awhile.

But being a perfectionist combined with my incredible talent at procrastination, I went down to the wire, spending over 40 hours to get it ready in just 3 days. Needless to say, I overextended myself. And I knew that I was going to have some sort of crash, but wasn’t quite prepared for just how hard this one might be. During those 3 days, I ate miserably, nursing my stress with excess calories. I swear, if I could just kick that habit I could be set for life! Then, being exhausted and anxious after the presentation, I decided to bake off my stress and use up the huge pile of apples Damir had picked over the weekend. Applesauce, apple muffins, and apple pie. The house smelled wonderful! But I was stuffed, and honestly, a little disgusted with myself.

The Inevitable Crash

This morning, I woke up with proof that I had done myself a doozy. Even without the raging migraine, the thought of having to get up, walk the dog, and make breakfast was too much to handle, much less go into work. I managed to get a text off to my boss and get a meeting rescheduled, and I crashed out for another 3 hours. And when I woke up, I felt terrible. Headache hangover (that ghostly disconnectedness) plus all of my overeating in the past 3-4 days, and I felt fat, sweaty, un-showered, lazy, and pissed. I was so frustrated and miserable in that moment that I could have just cried. I then tried to feel better by eating 3 muffins. It worked for all of 2.5 minutes. approx.

Oh, and in terms of the competition, I didn’t win. I was crushed. And I still am. But, I also know that the others moving forward also worked hard on their projects. They also have just as much of a need for that income. It wasn’t meant for me. But it didn’t take away the physical effects of overexerting myself. After finally having a good cry in the shower, I came out clean and ready to get a grip. The Introvert Advantage was laying on the top of the bookshelf… a reminder that I had promised to read it in Q3. I was expecting to read a lot about what I already knew about introversion. But I wasn’t expecting that quote.

The Actual Point of this Post

I had struggled all day with my frustration at having overeaten myself massively in the past few days. In general, I really do feel beautiful. I know I am overweight. My younger self might have been horrified at how I look now. But I have come a long way in accepting who I am. I also haven’t. See, I can love the way I look, and hate it at the same time. I want to be healthier. I know that the more weight I can lose, the less weight is being carried by my weak and damaged back, and the better I will feel. But I also want to love the way I look now. I have taken huge strides in this over the summer, finally ditching uncomfortable clothes because they “held me in” or “hid the fat.” The truth is, I’m overweight, and I’m still really beautiful. I can be both. I know I am both. But I still have to work on allowing myself to feel both.

My Struggles, Another’s Journey

Its also funny, because I had mentioned that I hid out in the kitchen during my time in Pine Ridge. If you have PTSD, you know how much other people’s struggles and emotions can greatly impact your own. And the struggles out there were almost too much for me. Even hiding out, I did actually make one connection… not to one of the Native youth, but to one I was serving with.

There was a highschool girl out at Pine Ridge with me that was a bit reserved, but had an incredible smile when she did show it, and when she laughed, you couldn’t miss it. I noticed that as a vegetarian, she didn’t have a lot of food options with the meals that had been planned for the week, so I started asking her if I could make her an extra grilled cheese sandwich or pasta to make sure she had enough food.

What I hadn’t noticed immediately was that her clothes hung off her. Or that she was wearing long sleeves in 100+ degree weather. I instead noticed her quirky facial expressions, and beautiful smile. After offering to make her special meals for the week, one of her group leaders let me know just how much it meant to her. See, without my even realizing, she was a recovering anorexic, who was within 5lbs of her healthy weight. She also had a problem with her self image, and with that an issue with self harm. She had been struggling because she really wanted to get to her  goal weight, but didn’t have a lot of healthy options, and hardly any vegetarian food options.

This beautiful young girl struggled with so much pain because of weight, but I thought she was so beautiful for all of the reasons people should. And here I am, struggling at the other end of the scale and I am acutely aware of how difficult that struggle is.

Maybe what I have been struggling with over that past 6 months… this weird, “I love my body but still want to lose weight,” and, “I want to feel fashionable but still be comfortable,” internal debate is just that…. I’m finally starting to acquire a taste. To accept who I really am. So maybe this is it, the Summer of Acquired tastes. The summer I started to actually enjoy dry wine, and actually started to love who I am.

Hello!

Hi! I'm Alyce.
Welcome to my journey towards living a happier and healthier life while living with PTSD and chronic pain... and never letting it keep me from my passion for Halloween, cooking, and way too many DIY projects... all at the same time!

Costume & Makeup Tutorials

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  • Happy Birthday Harry, it's time to party like it's 1999! In 99, I was a 10 year old reading the first two Harry Potter books, and waiting for the third (and my favorite) Prizoner of Azkaban to be released in the fall. I eagerly awaited my 11th birthday, and convinced myself when I didn't get my owl that US wizard schools must wait until you are 12. #everydayimmugglin.
Which book is your favorite? And which house are you in? Where my Gryffindor's at?!?!? #harrypotter #potterhead #gryffindor #hogwarts #stillwaitingformyowl
  • Happy Birthday to J.K. Rowling and Harry Potter! Thank you for showing me that for a writer, magic truly exists. 
#harrypotter #hogwarts #potterhead #jkrowling #happybirthday
  • "Jumpsuit jumpsuit, cover me."
Im mildly obsessed with the new TOP single, and actually have a cosplay in the works based off of the music video. Question to you guys, would you be interested in seeing progress pics for some of my work? I feel like I don't focus on one thing long enough, and by the time it hits the blog, its been ages! Let me know in the comments!
#twentyonepilots #TOP #skeletonclique #losingmyfreakingmind #isitoctoberyet #jumpsuit #trench
  • "Time to wake up." I have probably listened to the new TOP song over 100 (200? 100? Who's counting?) times by now. October 5 cannot get here fast enough! I wanted to pull something fast and simple together. #twentyonepilots #TOP #skeletonclique #losingmyfreakingmind #isitoctoberyet #jumpsuit #trench

The whole look was done with #mehron body paint. This wig also has me feeling my emo high school days... wig from Rockstar Wigs, but i'm not sure exactly which style it is.
  • "We've been here the whole time. You were asleep." No better way to jump back in to some makeup looks than being inspired by one of my all time favorite bands. Who else has "Jumpsuit" on repeat? 
#twentyonepilots #TOP #skeletonclique #losingmyfreakingmind #isitoctoberyet #jumpsuit #trench
  • "Sometimes, you just want things to stay the way they are forever. But you can’t. And they won’t." - Girl in Space

Because i'm trying this thing where I post each look in 3's to keep my Insta page even, and I seriously can't express how hauntingly gorgeous the intros are for each Girl in Space episode. I'm re-listening to the episodes now, and I so excited for 109 since I have NO CLUE what is going to happen! Also, after a few weeks without looking at them, this is one of my favorite pictures, and I can't believe I didn't post it first!
  • "Yeah, I’m glad I’m back, too." Episode 108 of the @girlinspacepodcast  left me with SO MANY QUESTIONS!!! Is Kai alive? Where the heck is Thor? Who is the "lion's paw?" But the biggest unknown is just how important the dwarf star "Ra" is likely to become in the plot of 109... and is why Ra is included in my makeup! The warm glowing orb on my eye is in reference to my suspicions that Ra will soon become a much more relevant part of the Girl in Space plot very soon. #girlinspace #findme #nomurdering #savekillbot #prayforkai
  • Galaxy in action! Quick peek at the movement of the makeup before I put on my wig, which covered a lot of the detail. Gotta love that "sunshine" glare on the shiny black surface! I bought a finishing powder this week to hopefully counteract this in the future. Or just back away from the light.... :P
  • Disappearing into the music...
I was really digging my latest playlist when I started my galaxy makeup last weekend, so I started blacking out everything besides my face to procrastinate taking off my headphones. I took this photo halfway through to see how well I would blend into my background, and kind of liked how this "progress" shot turned out. Funny thing was, this was the last pic where I had a true infinite background, my camera (phone) couldn't quite hang once I was fully blacked out. Time to consider a real camera?

@madlikealyce

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