Mad Like Alyce

In the Pain Rehabilitation Clinic (PRC) we learned that we should not call our more painful days “Bad” days. Instead, we should label them as difficult days, which implies less negativity, and has more of an emphasis on soldiering through. This, however, been a difficult week. A very difficult week, both physically with more pain then I have had in a few months, and feeling emotionally raw as if the bitter February wind was blistering my heart.

This week, I struggled with internal battles. I have been dealing with deep revelations in my counseling that left me shattered, to being so overwhelmed at work that a sharp comment from my boss left me in tears. So when I attended a Women’s Empowerment Breakfast this morning, I felt anything but empowered. More accurately, I felt hollow, vulnerable, insecure. Fragile. The speakers at this event were engaging, and the purpose was fantastic, but I viewed the event through the bleak, colored lenses of insecurity.

Trying to eat my scrambled eggs while grappling with these feelings of fear, something really spoke to what I was feeling. Someone, specifically. This person I consider my mentor, my inspiration, and my friend. In Sarah’s speech, she revealed her first memory of insecurity and need for validation in vivid clarity. In this memory, she confesses that she had asked her dad a question that scared him, and in that moment, instead of protecting her with his response, he had the unfortunate effect of shutting her down. Closing her in. Making her feel she should hide these less than acceptable thoughts from being seen.

Perhaps it was due to my raw and exposed heart, but this memory hit me right in the feels. I can feel emotions from my past with such stark clarity and true to PTSD, experience these emotions in real time. Having recently examined a memory from when I was just 5 years old, of how my mother tried to protect me from the dangers of the world, and how her words of caution instilled fear and shame in place of the protection she so desperately wanted for me. That fear caused me to build up my walls when I was hurt. To take the blame back on myself for the malicious actions of others. To squash myself into a small, unobtrusive shape so I wouldn’t become a target again. So shielded that even through people knew me, I was still a stranger. Disconnected. Alone.

Sarah made a point of how fear can cause those who love us to unknowingly hurt us in the most minute of fractures, and sometimes in ways that may have lasting marks. But she also shared how an act of courage from one person to another, to reach out and encourage us to face our fears, can in turn inspire us. She shared how she had found her empowerment when someone “saw” her, even though she had spent years trying to become invisible. How this nudge of encouragement has given her the fuel she needed to step out of the shadows. Whether it could be do to her enlightenment, or to being a kindred soul plagued by fear, or simply from years of being a watcher, she also sees people with an intense clarity.

I still have my walls up. I still beat against them every day, wishing I could escape yet terrified to be unprotected. But through all of the layers I have built to insulate me from my fear, Sarah saw through them, and reached towards me. It only takes one person to show courage and inspire others to follow. So when she finished her speech, even though I was sitting in the front in a room of 600 people, even through all I felt like doing was crawling in a hole and crying my exhausted mind to sleep, I stood up to clap. Regardless of what others felt, she had reached me. And I was not alone, as 600 more women rose to applaud my friend.

Hello!

Hi! I'm Alyce.
Welcome to my journey towards living a happier and healthier life while living with PTSD and chronic pain... and never letting it keep me from my passion for Halloween, cooking, and way too many DIY projects... all at the same time!

Instagram

  • Maybe Christmas doesn't come from a store. Maybe Christmas... perhaps... means a little bit more. 
Super excited that my family is NOT doing gifts this year! We are all just bringing a side dish, dessert, and a board game for some quality family time. What are you doing for Christmas? #thegrinchwhostolechristmas #whoville #grinch #grinchchristmas #christmasmovies #grinchmas
  • Even if I wanted to go, my schedule wouldn't allow it! 4 o'clock: wallow in self pity. 4:30: stare into the abyss. 5 o'clock: solve world hunger (tell no one). 5:30: jazzercise. 6:30: dinner with me, I can't cancel that again! 7 o'clock: wrestle with my self loathing. I'm booked! Course if I bump the loathing to 9 I can still be done in time to lay in bed, stare at the ceiling and slip slowly into madness. But what would I wear! #thegrinchwhostolechristmas #whoville #grinch #grinchchristmas #christmasmovies
  • "I'm gunna throw up... and then I'm going to DIIIIIIIEEEEEEEE!"
Probably my favorite line in the entire movie, so much so that it has stuck with me for years. This is often how my anxiety feels like, and I think of this line from the Grinch often when I'm struggling, even at the height of summer! So, the Grinch is a bit near and dear to my heart, and no one will ever take Jim Carrey's place in my heart, even if if it does grow three sizes. #grinch #thegrinchthatstolechristmas #christmas #grinchmakeup
  • I’ve never actually smoked a day in my life. #frosty #frostythesnowman #glamfrosty #winter #wintermakeup
  • One of the reasons I liked this makeup so much was the incredibly simple nose. I’ve tried some looks in the past and I don’t know if it was the white face, orange nose, or just my lack of makeup experience, but I hated them. Instead of trying to literally draw a carrot, this is just a nod in that direction. Also, I’m not one for glitter but I really dig these eyes! Good thing I like them, because I still have glitter on my face. #glitter #frosty #wintermakeup
  • Sticking with my winter theme, it’s Frosty! Ok, this one is a great example of why I love the internet. I saw an AMAZING frosty photo on an Instagram feature account and took a screenshot because I was dying to recreate it. Normally I make sure I have the artists handle in the screenshot so I can tag them if I ever do try it, but somehow missed it this time. To find her, I took to YouTube to find @victorialyn ’s tutorial, and I’m completely blown away with not only the makeup, but the production quality of her videos. I know how much time and effort something like that takes and they are so much fun to watch, even if you don’t plan on doing the makeup in the tutorial. I love finding new artists to follow and be inspired by! #frosty #frostythesnowman #winter
  • The last look at my Frostbite! What other injury makeups could be considered "Holiday"? or at least timely for winter? Or should I do something more glam next? I have half a mind to save more gory winter looks for January when i'm no longer feeling the warm and fuzzies when it snows! #winter #frostbite #frostbitemakeup #sfx #sfxmua
  • "Walking in a Winter Wonderland"
Im really pleased with how this turned out! I know it's no super glamorous but creating actual injuries and skin conditions is a great challenge. I'll spare you the reference material, but it was fun trying to re-create the blistering, as gross as that sounds. Stay warm my friends! #frostbite #frostbitemakeup #winterwonderland #sfxmakeup #sfxmua
  • "Baby it's cold outside."
This look inspired by a 3 hour drive in a blizzard last weekend. It actually wasn't too bad, mostly just excruciatingly slow, but living in SD, I know how dangerous it can be going off the road in bad conditions. #frostbite #SFX #sfxmakeup #brrrrrr #sfxwound

@madlikealyce

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