Mad Like Alyce

Word of the Day: Fragile

In the Pain Rehabilitation Clinic (PRC) we learned that we should not call our more painful days “Bad” days. Instead, we should label them as difficult days, which implies less negativity, and has more of an emphasis on soldiering through. This, however, been a difficult week. A very difficult week, both physically with more pain then I have had in a few months, and feeling emotionally raw as if the bitter February wind was blistering my heart.

This week, I struggled with internal battles. I have been dealing with deep revelations in my counseling that left me shattered, to being so overwhelmed at work that a sharp comment from my boss left me in tears. So when I attended a Women’s Empowerment Breakfast this morning, I felt anything but empowered. More accurately, I felt hollow, vulnerable, insecure. Fragile. The speakers at this event were engaging, and the purpose was fantastic, but I viewed the event through the bleak, colored lenses of insecurity.

Trying to eat my scrambled eggs while grappling with these feelings of fear, something really spoke to what I was feeling. Someone, specifically. This person I consider my mentor, my inspiration, and my friend. In Sarah’s speech, she revealed her first memory of insecurity and need for validation in vivid clarity. In this memory, she confesses that she had asked her dad a question that scared him, and in that moment, instead of protecting her with his response, he had the unfortunate effect of shutting her down. Closing her in. Making her feel she should hide these less than acceptable thoughts from being seen.

Perhaps it was due to my raw and exposed heart, but this memory hit me right in the feels. I can feel emotions from my past with such stark clarity and true to PTSD, experience these emotions in real time. Having recently examined a memory from when I was just 5 years old, of how my mother tried to protect me from the dangers of the world, and how her words of caution instilled fear and shame in place of the protection she so desperately wanted for me. That fear caused me to build up my walls when I was hurt. To take the blame back on myself for the malicious actions of others. To squash myself into a small, unobtrusive shape so I wouldn’t become a target again. So shielded that even through people knew me, I was still a stranger. Disconnected. Alone.

Sarah made a point of how fear can cause those who love us to unknowingly hurt us in the most minute of fractures, and sometimes in ways that may have lasting marks. But she also shared how an act of courage from one person to another, to reach out and encourage us to face our fears, can in turn inspire us. She shared how she had found her empowerment when someone “saw” her, even though she had spent years trying to become invisible. How this nudge of encouragement has given her the fuel she needed to step out of the shadows. Whether it could be do to her enlightenment, or to being a kindred soul plagued by fear, or simply from years of being a watcher, she also sees people with an intense clarity.

I still have my walls up. I still beat against them every day, wishing I could escape yet terrified to be unprotected. But through all of the layers I have built to insulate me from my fear, Sarah saw through them, and reached towards me. It only takes one person to show courage and inspire others to follow. So when she finished her speech, even though I was sitting in the front in a room of 600 people, even through all I felt like doing was crawling in a hole and crying my exhausted mind to sleep, I stood up to clap. Regardless of what others felt, she had reached me. And I was not alone, as 600 more women rose to applaud my friend.

Hello!

Hi! I'm Alyce.
Welcome to my journey towards living a happier and healthier life while living with PTSD and chronic pain... and never letting it keep me from my passion for Halloween, cooking, and way too many DIY projects... all at the same time!

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  • Happy Birthday Harry, it's time to party like it's 1999! In 99, I was a 10 year old reading the first two Harry Potter books, and waiting for the third (and my favorite) Prizoner of Azkaban to be released in the fall. I eagerly awaited my 11th birthday, and convinced myself when I didn't get my owl that US wizard schools must wait until you are 12. #everydayimmugglin.
Which book is your favorite? And which house are you in? Where my Gryffindor's at?!?!? #harrypotter #potterhead #gryffindor #hogwarts #stillwaitingformyowl
  • Happy Birthday to J.K. Rowling and Harry Potter! Thank you for showing me that for a writer, magic truly exists. 
#harrypotter #hogwarts #potterhead #jkrowling #happybirthday
  • "Jumpsuit jumpsuit, cover me."
Im mildly obsessed with the new TOP single, and actually have a cosplay in the works based off of the music video. Question to you guys, would you be interested in seeing progress pics for some of my work? I feel like I don't focus on one thing long enough, and by the time it hits the blog, its been ages! Let me know in the comments!
#twentyonepilots #TOP #skeletonclique #losingmyfreakingmind #isitoctoberyet #jumpsuit #trench
  • "Time to wake up." I have probably listened to the new TOP song over 100 (200? 100? Who's counting?) times by now. October 5 cannot get here fast enough! I wanted to pull something fast and simple together. #twentyonepilots #TOP #skeletonclique #losingmyfreakingmind #isitoctoberyet #jumpsuit #trench

The whole look was done with #mehron body paint. This wig also has me feeling my emo high school days... wig from Rockstar Wigs, but i'm not sure exactly which style it is.
  • "We've been here the whole time. You were asleep." No better way to jump back in to some makeup looks than being inspired by one of my all time favorite bands. Who else has "Jumpsuit" on repeat? 
#twentyonepilots #TOP #skeletonclique #losingmyfreakingmind #isitoctoberyet #jumpsuit #trench
  • "Sometimes, you just want things to stay the way they are forever. But you can’t. And they won’t." - Girl in Space

Because i'm trying this thing where I post each look in 3's to keep my Insta page even, and I seriously can't express how hauntingly gorgeous the intros are for each Girl in Space episode. I'm re-listening to the episodes now, and I so excited for 109 since I have NO CLUE what is going to happen! Also, after a few weeks without looking at them, this is one of my favorite pictures, and I can't believe I didn't post it first!
  • "Yeah, I’m glad I’m back, too." Episode 108 of the @girlinspacepodcast  left me with SO MANY QUESTIONS!!! Is Kai alive? Where the heck is Thor? Who is the "lion's paw?" But the biggest unknown is just how important the dwarf star "Ra" is likely to become in the plot of 109... and is why Ra is included in my makeup! The warm glowing orb on my eye is in reference to my suspicions that Ra will soon become a much more relevant part of the Girl in Space plot very soon. #girlinspace #findme #nomurdering #savekillbot #prayforkai
  • Galaxy in action! Quick peek at the movement of the makeup before I put on my wig, which covered a lot of the detail. Gotta love that "sunshine" glare on the shiny black surface! I bought a finishing powder this week to hopefully counteract this in the future. Or just back away from the light.... :P
  • Disappearing into the music...
I was really digging my latest playlist when I started my galaxy makeup last weekend, so I started blacking out everything besides my face to procrastinate taking off my headphones. I took this photo halfway through to see how well I would blend into my background, and kind of liked how this "progress" shot turned out. Funny thing was, this was the last pic where I had a true infinite background, my camera (phone) couldn't quite hang once I was fully blacked out. Time to consider a real camera?

@madlikealyce

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